aging, comedy, Dining, Food, Friends, Health, holiday, Humor, women, work

Unwanted Attention

It’s December 1st and opening day for Christmas season, which means getting decorations out of the attic and going to the ‘holiday party’ at work.  At last year’s party, I got a little more attention than I wanted.  No, I didn’t overindulge and tell anybody off, at least I don’t think I did.  But I did have a mishap that caught everyone’s attention at the party.

It was lunchtime on the day of the festive gig.  I found a leftover piece of pizza in the fridge and decided it would hold me over until the germ-infested buffet later that evening.  Buffets?  Who really wants to eat food served with utensils that were touched by every person in the room…especially when a lot of people in the room ‘haven’t been feeling well’?  Sometimes you don’t have a choice and you have to eat it. Save yourself some sickness by using a napkin to handle serving spoons or fill your plate and wash your hands before starting to eat.  Yes, I know, I have issues, but I’m only looking out for you.

Anyway, while eating my pizza I was holding the plate a little too close to my mouth, which I didn’t realize until it was too late.  As I cut a piece of pizza with my fork, the plate flipped up and hit just above my upper lip.  I knew it was bad when I saw red swirls in my ice water after taking a quick sip.  I knew it was even badder when I looked in the mirror and saw my fat, split lip.  I iced it, taped the edges together, and eventually covered it with makeup, but I knew it was gonna get some attention at the party…and I was right.

Some people just outright asked, “What happened to your lip?” while others looked and then looked away like nothing was wrong. You know, how you look and then look away when somebody you’re talking with has something in their nose?  Well, it was like that…they saw it, tried to pretend they didn’t see it, but couldn’t stop looking at it. Some did double takes and others did triple.  I guess it was a low-level accident scene but hey, I wasn’t gonna miss the ‘holiday party’ over an incident with a piece of pizza.

At the height of my unwanted attention, one work colleague decided I had something on my face that she could easily scrape off.  Bless her heart. She came in towards my lip with her little finger extended and said, “You have something on your lip.  Let me get it for you.”  “Well, if you can get that for me, I can go back to being just another ‘holiday party’ attendee instead of the center of attention,” I thought as I swatted her pinky away before it reached my lip, which was now a pretty shade of blue.  No pinky was gonna get that!

So today, I’m not eating any leftover pizza from the fridge to hold me over until the germ-infested buffet.  I wonder where everyone will focus their attention this year.

Thanks for reading and be sure to #ShareTheLaughter !

Eliza G.

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aging, comedy, Food, Health, holiday, Humor, women

A Few Steps Forward-A Few Steps Back

My birthday was this week.  I got some presents that will help to solve problems I’ve had over the past couple months and others that actually caused me problems on my special day.

I was an avid fitness tracker for about 3 years.  As many of you know, my tracker suddenly quit syncing about 3 months ago and the company basically told me to #JustStayFat.  Well, they didn’t actually say that, but they weren’t interested in solving my syncing problem.  I showed them. I got a brand new tracker from another company.  I tested my Garmin out this morning and so far it seems to be working good. I’ll keep you posted but for now, it seems that I no longer have an excuse to #JustStayFat.  I guess that’s a little disappointing given that Thanksgiving is next week and Christmas is in December-yes, Christmas is in December-and both involve activities that will require me to take more steps to avoid #JustGettingFatter.

As many of you also know, back in October I ordered a cake with ten roses on it for a family member’s birthday and the cake came with nine. I never found the missing rose, but the problem on my special day made me realize that quality might be more important than quantity when I comes to icing roses.

The cake orderer of my party cake told Ann, who proudly proclaimed herself as the bakery manager and cake maker, the kind of cake and decorations he wanted: a white cake decorated with ten fall-colored roses made from sugar icing and white trim around the bottom also made from sugar icing.  Those were his orders, not mine. I’m not particular about the trim around the bottom but I do like sugary icing, especially when I can feel the sugar crystals between my teeth when I bite into it.  Now you know why I am an avid fitness tracker.

So about now, my loyal followers are on the edge of their seats wondering what happened with the cake.  Well, it had ten roses, so we took a few steps forward there, and they were in fall colors, including yellow, orange, red, and brown. The trim around the bottom of the cake also brown, so we took a few steps back.  Brown is an interesting color choice for a birthday cake and I was willing to let it go, and so was the cake orderer-until we ate it.  It wasn’t just brown, it was chocolate.  Now, one of my absolute favorite treats is a chocolate Hershey Kiss smothered in creamy peanut butter so I’m all about chocolate-but NOT on my white party cake.  Chocolate icing is something you order, not something Ann should just randomly give out to anybody she wants.  It’s chocolate and it totally changes the taste of white party cake. So after eating one brown rose I decided the other two had to go and so did the trim.  And that’s when I realized that fewer roses made from quality sugar icing that feels good between my teeth is more important than more roses made of chocolate icing.  I know, either way it’s a lot of sugar.  But the good thing is, all that sugar is gonna help me break in my new fitness tracker.

Thanks for following My Fruit of the Womb on WordPress. Be sure to #ShareTheLaugher through #FabulouslyFunny stories!

Eliza G.