My Fruit

aging, comedy, Friends, holiday, Humor, women, work

BOGO: What Kind of Person?

Sure, I’m a day late, but I’m not a dollar short.  In fact, I have a buy one, get one free offer to share as a peace offering for my lateness.  I know that won’t help with the fact that you were up all night wondering what happened to the fabulously funny Friday post, but it’s the best I can do. While I didn’t write a post yesterday, I did collect two stories from the workplace that are both funny and sad.

The first story, or the buy one, happened to my friend at work.  Her overseer asked her to speak at an important work-related event that marked the end of a journey for the honorees.  Sounds serious, right?  Well, my friend did a fabulous job and I don’t mean a fabulously funny job-I mean a fabulous job.  She talked about treating colleagues with respect, being kind to one another, and needing to move on if you’re not happy with your work; simple things that can bring joy to everyone involved.  So about now you’re asking what’s so funny and sad about that?  Well, nothing…yet.

The final speaker who had to give closing remarks after my friend’s fabulous speech was the person who asked her to speak at the event. The funny thing is, nobody wants to follow fabulous. Nobody, that is, unless somebody thinks he/she can one-up fabulous. But let me warn you-it can’t be done. You simply can’t one-up fabulous no matter who you are or what position you hold. Instead, you just accept the fact that someone else brought down the house, thank everyone for coming, and leave it at that.  But that’s not what happened. Somebody was feeling overzealous, didn’t heed my warning, and tried to one-up.  The result? Somebody went away feeling a little less-than-jovial about asking my friend to speak at an important work-related event that marked the end of the journey for the honorees. While some of you might be feeling sad for less-than-jovial’s position in the speaking order, that’s not the sad part of this story. What’s really sad is that after the event, less-than-jovial tried to make fabulous feel less-than-fabulous…by critiquing her speech delivery. Now, if that isn’t sad, I don’t know what is. What kind of person asks someone to do them a favor and then, after seeing what a great job they did, tries to knock them down a few pegs on the fabulous meter?  I know, do you?

Let’s move on to the get-one-free story because I always like a bargain.  It’s the Christmas season and it won’t be long until a fat elf tries to come down the stainless steel pipe that vents my gas fireplace while carrying a big bag of something. I’m fortunate that he brings a bag, but others are not, including many children who won’t see anything from the elf. That’s not funny and it certainly is sad so do what you can to help; but do it a little better than ‘someone I know’s’ boss did.

It went like this…Out of the blue, an email message came in from the ‘well over 6-figure boss’ that said he had selected an angel from the gifting tree and made a $100 donation on behalf of the 10-member sales team.  The donation was to help make Christmas a little better for a 10-year-old boy. Seems like a nice gesture, doesn’t it?  Well, it was until you read the next part of the message that 6-figures sent to all 10 members. He wrote, “Please forward $10 to my wife’s PayPal or Venmo account to cover your contribution to this gift.” Let me get this straight…out of the goodness of your Grinch heart, you decided to splurge and donate a whopping $100 on behalf of your 10-member sales team only to request a $10 payback from the people who had no part in the decision to donate a measly $100?  And you feel good about the $10 you gave from your own pocket-or your wife’s PayPal or Venmo account? Yeah, I know, every little bit helps, but what kind of person who makes six figures can’t give a little more than $I0 to help a 10-year-old boy, or confer with his employees before signing them up for an embarrassing donation? Oh, I know, I know….the same kind of person who tries to knock down fabulous a few pegs.

aging, comedy, Community, family, Food, holiday, Humor, women

One Way or Another

I went to two Christmas parades last weekend.  Yes, that’s a lot of parading in one weekend, but it was worth it. I had a few laughs and came to realize that parades aren’t what they used to be.

When I was growing up, we would go to the annual university homecoming parade that marched right past my dad’s gas station.  It wasn’t a holiday parade, but it was all we had. It was fun to see all the princesses and fancy floats and hear the bands.  Then one year, when I was older, I had to be in the parade.  No, I wasn’t a princess-I was in the band. That was my mother’s fault-she made me join to keep me out of trouble.

Fast-forward to the Christmas parades last weekend.  I still wasn’t a princess and I certainly wasn’t in the one high school band that marched by while playing an actual Christmas song.  I was just a spectator,  but what I saw made me realize that parades have changed.  It’s no longer about the people, floats, or bands; It’s about the candy. When did taking home bags, and I mean bags, of what used to be penny candy and bubble gum become the reason for the season?  Don’t parade goers know that the only person happy about them eating all that junk is Hermey the Dentist who will have to repair the damage caused by too much sugar?

Candy distribution at the first parade consisted of paraders throwing handfuls of candy into the crowd.  You’d think that kids would be the ones going after it, but in many cases, it was their parents and sometimes, their grandparents.   After all, you have to be aggressive if you want all that free candy and sometimes, Junior just can’t muscle out his competitors to get that one Tootsie Roll that’s out in the street.  “Come on boy,” I thought, “If you want it, go get it and let grandma sit in her lawn chair holding the first full bag of junk.”  He obviously couldn’t hear me. He made grandma go get his fair share.

At the second parade, there seemed to be an unwritten law that prohibited throwing of candy.  Paraders handed candy directly to parade goers.  I never saw such a thing and after thinking about it, I’ve decided it’s either due to lawsuits or the ‘Everybody Gets a Medallion’ era.  At some point in the past, Grandpa must have gotten run over by a hot ball and sued the parade sponsors.  Or, Junior must not have been aggressive enough to reach Tootsie out in the street and his bag ended up being emptier than everyone around him. To make things fair, the law of candy distribution was changed so that every person has an equal chance of getting a piece of candy.  Now Junior doesn’t have to rely on grandma or figure things out for himself-because everybody gets a medallion.

Yeah, parades aren’t about princesses, floats, and bands anymore.  They’re about free candy and making sure everybody gets fair share-one way or another.

aging, comedy, Dining, Food, Friends, Health, holiday, Humor, women, work

Unwanted Attention

It’s December 1st and opening day for Christmas season, which means getting decorations out of the attic and going to the ‘holiday party’ at work.  At last year’s party, I got a little more attention than I wanted.  No, I didn’t overindulge and tell anybody off, at least I don’t think I did.  But I did have a mishap that caught everyone’s attention at the party.

It was lunchtime on the day of the festive gig.  I found a leftover piece of pizza in the fridge and decided it would hold me over until the germ-infested buffet later that evening.  Buffets?  Who really wants to eat food served with utensils that were touched by every person in the room…especially when a lot of people in the room ‘haven’t been feeling well’?  Sometimes you don’t have a choice and you have to eat it. Save yourself some sickness by using a napkin to handle serving spoons or fill your plate and wash your hands before starting to eat.  Yes, I know, I have issues, but I’m only looking out for you.

Anyway, while eating my pizza I was holding the plate a little too close to my mouth, which I didn’t realize until it was too late.  As I cut a piece of pizza with my fork, the plate flipped up and hit just above my upper lip.  I knew it was bad when I saw red swirls in my ice water after taking a quick sip.  I knew it was even badder when I looked in the mirror and saw my fat, split lip.  I iced it, taped the edges together, and eventually covered it with makeup, but I knew it was gonna get some attention at the party…and I was right.

Some people just outright asked, “What happened to your lip?” while others looked and then looked away like nothing was wrong. You know, how you look and then look away when somebody you’re talking with has something in their nose?  Well, it was like that…they saw it, tried to pretend they didn’t see it, but couldn’t stop looking at it. Some did double takes and others did triple.  I guess it was a low-level accident scene but hey, I wasn’t gonna miss the ‘holiday party’ over an incident with a piece of pizza.

At the height of my unwanted attention, one work colleague decided I had something on my face that she could easily scrape off.  Bless her heart. She came in towards my lip with her little finger extended and said, “You have something on your lip.  Let me get it for you.”  “Well, if you can get that for me, I can go back to being just another ‘holiday party’ attendee instead of the center of attention,” I thought as I swatted her pinky away before it reached my lip, which was now a pretty shade of blue.  No pinky was gonna get that!

So today, I’m not eating any leftover pizza from the fridge to hold me over until the germ-infested buffet.  I wonder where everyone will focus their attention this year.

Thanks for reading and be sure to #ShareTheLaughter !

Eliza G.

aging, comedy, customer service, Dining, holiday, Humor, vacation, women

There was a lot of Pretending

While traveling for the Thanksgiving holiday, I stayed at a hotel and ate in the dining room. Little did I know there would be a lot of pretending.

Upon arrival in the dining area there was not a soul in sight.  I knew that meant things were not going to go well but I didn’t want to get back in the car after just getting out.  I told myself it would get better, but myself was skeptical and so was my husband who searched for someone to wait on us. When he finally summoned the waitress from the breakroom she pretended she had been watching for customers but that we “snuck through.” Hmmm, there was no snuck through involved. We walked right across the main lobby in plain sight.  Oh and by the way, is it still okay to use the word waitress?  I often hear the hostess tell me who my server will be so I’m thinking waitress might be a no-no. Actually, now that I think about it, hostess also could be a problem.

Anyway, back to the real story.  Following protocol, the waitress brought drinks and asked for our order.  I said, “I’ll have the tomato basil soup and a”…I was immediately cut off. “We are out of soup,” said the waitress. Yes, I know what you’re thinking and you’re right-it fits perfectly here.  So let’s pause for a snicker and move on.

As I sat there with no soup for you and recognized that once again I had found the flaw, I drank all my water and was ready for more. Of course, the waitress was nowhere to be found.  She told us to let her know if we needed anything, which is pretty hard to do when we can’t find her.  I think they teach that in waitress school-make it sound like you’ll be nearby but then go and hide so nobody can ask for anything.  When it’s been awhile and you know the customer is pissed, walk over to the table and pretend you’ve been around the whole time.  Our waitress must have gotten an A in that class because when she finally showed up with the water pitcher she pretended that I had just taken the last sip.  She smiled and told me she was gonna help me out and “feel me up.” Oh, my mistake, “fill me up.”

Next came bill time.  Wanna guess what happened?  Go ahead, you can do it and I know you’ll get it right-She was nowhere to be found. We sat, and sat, and sat, and when she knew we were pissed she walked over to the table pretending she was nearby the whole time.  She put the bill on the table-right in a puddle of salad dressing.  Smiling and knowing full well what she had done, she pretended she didn’t and walked away.

I know, I’m being hard on someone who probably isn’t paid well and has to pretend she cares about serving weary travelers who want soup, expect water refills, and need a bill so they can pay it.  So, the next time I travel, I’m gonna pretend to go to the hotel dining room, but I’m really gonna eat somewhere else.

Thanks for following my #FabulouslyFunny stories and always remember to #ShareTheLaughter

Eliza G.



aging, holiday, Humor, vacation, women

The Day After

After what I ate while giving thanks yesterday I am spending today giving my new activity tracker a workout.  That’s a lie.  I’m not being active today.  I hit a step goal and am willing to incur a few penalties for inactivity over the remainder of the day. I could do a few other things on this, the day after.

The day after Thanksgiving is always a lazy day. A lot of people go shopping but since I’m not a shopper the other 364 days of the year there’s no reason to venture out on the day after.  I could go, but there’s nothing I need that bad.  Shopping on the day after is a pretty, pretty, pretty bad idea.

I could go disobey, which really isn’t a bad idea. I like to disobey. It doesn’t require much effort aside from getting to the place where they permit me to disobey. Lifting a hammered copper Moscow mule mug requires little effort-even if I do it multiple times in an hour. Disobeying on the day after sounds like a pretty, pretty, pretty good idea.

I could also practice a new magic trick that I’m learning. The turkey and stuffing I ate yesterday might make levitating a little more challenging, but I’m willing to give it a try. I’ll just kick back, relax, and let levity do its job as I lift one stein and then another. Levitating on the day after sounds like a pretty, pretty, pretty good idea.

Yes, it’s the day after and I really don’t need to do anything besides incur activity penalties. I’m not going shopping, but I would disobey or levitate. Actually, I could do both, which could make the day after the day after pretty, pretty, pretty interesting.

Thanks for following #MyFruitoftheWomb !

Eliza G.

aging, family, Friends, holiday, Humor, introvert, women, work

For That, I am Thankful

I’ve heard people say that they like to look at the sunny side of life. I’m not that optimistic.  Instead, I like to laugh so I look at the funny side. The reality is, there are a lot of funny things that happen in everyday life…if you just look. Trust me, I looked a lot over the past 8 months and had many laughs in the process.  In fact, today, I’m sharing my 70th story about the funny things that happened in my life. And just so ya know, I am thankful for every one of them.

By choice, I don’t have a lot of friends.  I believe in quality rather than quantity in most things in life-including roses. I guess you could say the older I get, the wiser I become. My friends and loyal followers read my stories even when they don’t find them funny.  Well, at least they appear to be following and reading them and for that, I am thankful.

Also by choice, I have a job where I make a difference. Well, at least I think I make a difference-even for those who can’t keep up. The downside is that I encounter a lot of people at work who act high schoolerish and others who fuss when Grandma gets run over by a reindeer, but I have a job, and for that, I am thankful.

Partially by choice, I have a family that includes members who murmur, others who read every story, Kristi M. who always has a quick comeback, and my fabulously funny editor who takes the time to share the laughter before anybody else has a chance to do so.  For all of them, I am thankful.

Not by choice, I have the ability to shuffle. Sure, it’s fully by choice that I actually go out and pretend to run while almost falling over Willy, being outpaced by a dog on a jog, and acting tree-huggerish, but I’ve been blessed with good health and for that, I am thankful.

Lastly, and fully by the grace of God, when all the funny stories come together, I have a life that’s good and for that, I am thankful.

Wishing you many fabulously funny stories from around the Thanksgiving table and a life that’s good.  Cheers!

Eliza G.

aging, comedy, Food, Health, holiday, Humor, women

A Few Steps Forward-A Few Steps Back

My birthday was this week.  I got some presents that will help to solve problems I’ve had over the past couple months and others that actually caused me problems on my special day.

I was an avid fitness tracker for about 3 years.  As many of you know, my tracker suddenly quit syncing about 3 months ago and the company basically told me to #JustStayFat.  Well, they didn’t actually say that, but they weren’t interested in solving my syncing problem.  I showed them. I got a brand new tracker from another company.  I tested my Garmin out this morning and so far it seems to be working good. I’ll keep you posted but for now, it seems that I no longer have an excuse to #JustStayFat.  I guess that’s a little disappointing given that Thanksgiving is next week and Christmas is in December-yes, Christmas is in December-and both involve activities that will require me to take more steps to avoid #JustGettingFatter.

As many of you also know, back in October I ordered a cake with ten roses on it for a family member’s birthday and the cake came with nine. I never found the missing rose, but the problem on my special day made me realize that quality might be more important than quantity when I comes to icing roses.

The cake orderer of my party cake told Ann, who proudly proclaimed herself as the bakery manager and cake maker, the kind of cake and decorations he wanted: a white cake decorated with ten fall-colored roses made from sugar icing and white trim around the bottom also made from sugar icing.  Those were his orders, not mine. I’m not particular about the trim around the bottom but I do like sugary icing, especially when I can feel the sugar crystals between my teeth when I bite into it.  Now you know why I am an avid fitness tracker.

So about now, my loyal followers are on the edge of their seats wondering what happened with the cake.  Well, it had ten roses, so we took a few steps forward there, and they were in fall colors, including yellow, orange, red, and brown. The trim around the bottom of the cake also brown, so we took a few steps back.  Brown is an interesting color choice for a birthday cake and I was willing to let it go, and so was the cake orderer-until we ate it.  It wasn’t just brown, it was chocolate.  Now, one of my absolute favorite treats is a chocolate Hershey Kiss smothered in creamy peanut butter so I’m all about chocolate-but NOT on my white party cake.  Chocolate icing is something you order, not something Ann should just randomly give out to anybody she wants.  It’s chocolate and it totally changes the taste of white party cake. So after eating one brown rose I decided the other two had to go and so did the trim.  And that’s when I realized that fewer roses made from quality sugar icing that feels good between my teeth is more important than more roses made of chocolate icing.  I know, either way it’s a lot of sugar.  But the good thing is, all that sugar is gonna help me break in my new fitness tracker.

Thanks for following My Fruit of the Womb on WordPress. Be sure to #ShareTheLaugher through #FabulouslyFunny stories!

Eliza G.