aging, comedy, Health, Humor, women

Seven Services of Spring Break

Spring break season has just passed and all of those crazy college kids are back in class where they belong.  Don’t get me wrong, I like it when spring breakers invade the beach and have fun, but seeing them reminds me of my younger days when I could hit up the local party scene multiple nights in a row, dance atop Al’s bar to a little You Dropped a Bomb on Me, and do all of this on someone else’s dime. Spring break and paying for the party sure have changed over the years, but even moreso in recent years.

It was early spring when I sat with a group of friends sipping cocktails and and sharing plans for the upcoming spring break. While we would not be spending break together, there was a common theme to our idealic itineraries-relaxing in the sun while someone served us fancy drinks embellished with tiny umbrellas and waved  bamboo fans to keep us cool. Unfortunately, the final plans were more realistic-things we had to accomplish during the 5 days away from the grind. But we still needed someone to service us.  In fact, we figured there would be at least seven different servicers who would work to make our spring break a success by providing the following:

  • A 12-point under-the-hood inspection and a sticker for the window that shows everything’s in order for the next 12 months.
  • A quick check of the 13th point that was ‘sewn up like a sock’ during the last gynecological excavation-just to make sure the running stitch is still holding everything in place and no darning is needed.
  • An extraction of the saggy bag-the one that wreaked havoc with too many favorite meals. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
  • Really-rooter the canals in order to keep them fresh and clean. Oh, I know what your thinking- but not any of the lower canals-that was another story-just the upper ones that help us hear what everyone wants and needs.
  • Give a squish with the plastic squisher. I try not to look down-it’s like pheasant under glass.
  • Remove the scarlet letters that suddenly appear and announce your age to everyone who sees them. That’s not the sand I want to feel on my skin.
  • Repeatedly ask, “#1 or #2, #1 or #2?” That’s a question I asked my kids when they announced during the homily that they needed to go to the bathroom. No, I don’t have to #1 or #2-Just give me the bifocals.

That’s a lot of service in one spring break, but where’s the fancy umbrella drink? The Gap Band? The bamboo fan? Sure, nearly all of it was covered by someone else using our own dimes, but is this our new spring break?  A series of maintenance checks to keep everything in order? If so, midlife spring break is gonna need to last a little longer than 5 days.

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